Author Archive

The Wasting Away of Andrew Luck

Posted: August 15, 2017 by cschrump in Uncategorized

by Chad Schrump / @Hoosier_Hoops

Image result for andrew luck

If I told you that Andrew Luck, sooner rather than later, is going to be taking snaps for the Indianapolis Colts for his 6th NFL season – does that catch you off guard, even if it’s just for a brief moment? Did you let out a small gasp?  Is it as amazing to you, as it is to me – that this franchise is hell-bent on ruining a prodigious football talent by stumbling and bumbling around with incompetent General Managers and coaches with more bark than bite?

Six years?  Already?

It leaves me flabbergasted.

It makes me angry.

Perhaps no franchise in the history of the National Football League “lucked” (so awful – sorry) into back to back QB talents like the Indianapolis Colts did with Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck. Green Bay comes to mind but even then, Aaron Rodgers sat on the bench for several years before taking over the Pack.  This was a clean break in Indy.  Peyton was unceremoniously released and Luck was drafted a few months later.  I won’t waste your time with the details because if you’re a fan of the Colts, you know them all too well.

Colts’ Owner Jim Irsay hired rookie GM Ryan Grigson and Indianapolis enjoyed some initial success. No question.  Grigson had a good first draft, nabbing Luck, TY Hilton and others – and hopes were, fair or not, sky high.  But soon after, Grigson fell as flat on his face as someone could fall – turning a once-proud NFL franchise into a run-of-the-mill, mediocre, 8-8 has-been.  The atrocious AFC South, a division the Colts had owned since its inception – became unconquerable.  Absolutely crazy.

Andrew Luck has played five NFL seasons and has never had a good offensive line. It’s the truth.

Andrew Luck has played five NFL seasons and has never had a great running back. That’s true, too.

Andrew Luck has played five NFL seasons and has never had a good defense. Care to argue?

Andrew Luck has played five NFL seasons and has one good coach – his rookie season: Bruce Arians.

By all accounts, Chuck Pagano is a damn good man. He’s an exceptionally good fit for the Indianapolis community and after his bout with cancer – a great champion to those, especially children, who battle the disease.  He would be the kind of neighbor you’d pay to have live next door.  The kind of guy that if you saw hanging out in his garage, would walk over and offer him a beer so you could shoot the breeze.

But he’s a terrible football coach.  God awful.

If you need me to back those statements up with fact, quit reading this column and move on to the next.  Seriously, we’re done here.  If you can’t see it, then you just don’t know and that’s okay but you need to be reading something else.

If you need a coach that can come up with a sensational cliché, then Chuck is your guy. If you need a man to be tough, to hold his players accountable, to demand smart play – he’s not the one.  He just isn’t.  He never will be, either.

Make no mistake about it – this is Chuck’s last stand. The only way he’s back next season is if the Colts make it to the AFC Championship game.  That’s it.  New Colts’ GM Chris Ballard will most certainly hire “his guy” at the first available opportunity and believe you me, Chuck Pagano is not him.

As a matter of fact, if the Colts start out 0-2 or even 1-2, with or without Andrew Luck, I could see Ballard lopping off Chuck’s head and going another direction. We’ll see.

Again, Jim Irsay hasn’t done Andrew Luck any favors whatsoever. We are smack dab in the absolute middle of Luck’s prime years and the Vegas books have the Colts over/under win total pegged at 8.  Seriously?  8 wins?  Again?  Sure, there’s real uncertainty over Andrew’s surgically repaired shoulder labarum but this is the state of this franchise.  This is the deal.  This is the reality of it all.  This is the culmination of Irsay making terrible decision after terrible decision.  This is a team that’s not even predicted to win its own division.  Hell, it’s not even predicted to finish second in the AFC South!

This is Indianapolis not protecting their franchise quarterback so he tries to make plays that almost rupture his liver and end a season.

This is Indianapolis not protecting their franchise quarterback and allowing his shoulder to be practically torn apart, attempting to play through the pain.

Andrew Luck is getting ready to start his 6th NFL season and he’s further away from a championship now, then he was when he was a rookie.

That’s frightening.

That’s unacceptable.

Tick-tock, Indianapolis.  Andrew Luck is already entering his prime and you should be concerned that the first five years were essentially wasted.

Don’t blink.

I Can’t Hardly Stand It!

Posted: July 23, 2017 by cschrump in Uncategorized

by Chad Schrump / @Hoosier_Hoops

We’re smack dab in the middle of the Dog Days of Summer. I mean, damn… for a sports fan that doesn’t have major league baseball in his city – this is a rough patch.  We’ve got very little sports to watch on television and what we do watch is pretty much bullshit.

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I don’t mind watching 20-30 minutes of the World Series of Poker but after that, I’m completely over it and back staring at Twitter. Sure, it’s neat to watch a 64-year old amateur trying to take out a wolf pack full of 25 year old online poker professionals but at the end of the day, how many all-ins, suck outs, flops, open-ended straight draws, wheels, pocket rockets and bluffs can you really stomach?  These ain’t your Chris Moneymaker WSOP finals.  These are folks you’ve probably never heard of unless you may have a touch of a gambling issue deep inside your being.  I’m not judging, just sayin’.

I’ve always loved the British Open but the odd hours makes this a rough one for me to commit to. Besides, and stop me if you’ve heard me say this before, without Tiger – I don’t feel like any golf, other than The Masters, is must-watch, appointment TV.  It helps NBC and their ratings that Jordan Spieth is leading the tournament but let’s be really honest for a second – without Eldrick, ratings are way, way down.  Go look it up.  It’s not pretty.  Sure, the golf is somewhat exciting but it’s not Tiger Woods exciting.  It just isn’t.  If that makes me a shitty golf fan, fine.  I will wear that.

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NASCAR has become a shit show of the highest order. Actually, it’s been awful for a long time now.  I truly don’t know what happened here.  I know you’ve read about this for the longest time from a million other people but really – what happened to this sport?  The money that TV threw at NASCAR was almost unfathomable. The only thing back then that grew larger than their TV ratings were the drivers’ bank accounts.  Then, slowly but surely, the bubble burst and it’s as if NASCAR fell off a cliff.  Hell, it’s rare that I even know what city they’re in and who won last week’s race.

Was it Dale Earnhardt dying? Dale was my guy but when he passed, I was lucky enough to latch on to a young driver named Tony Stewart but let’s be real, no one moved a needle like The Intimidator.

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Was it restrictor plate racing? Let’s give everyone essentially the same car and line them up in two rows of 20 cars.  What a great idea!  Let’s take away the race car driver’s ability to actually race their car!  Such a dumb idea.

Or was it the fact that the good ol’ boys became their own brands and were more like corporate CEOs than guys that could tear an engine apart, or each other, at the drop of a hat?  These guys are more Board Room than Backwoods and I think that detracts from the romanticism of it all.  Maybe I’m wrong but I don’t think I am.

All I know is that Sunday’s Brickyard 400 at IMS will be lucky to have 50,000 people in the stands. Can you even believe that?  In the late 90’s, this race drew somewhere in the neighborhood of 200,000 fans.  Today, you’ll find more empty seats at the Speedway than at a Sunday church service that falls on New Year’s Day.  My God, does it look bad on TV, too.  Those aerial views are downright embarrassing.  If I’m NASCAR President Mike Helton, I beg the TV producers to not show a shot of the crowd from the blimp.  No way, no how.  It looks so bad!

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Put it another way, I won tickets to the race and never even went to pick them up. How’s that for lack of interest?

Lots of you reading this column love your baseball but for whatever reason, I haven’t truly cared about this sport for years. Sure, I’ll watch some of the ALCS, NLCS and World Series but really, not that much.  It just feels like the season drags on and on and on and on.  As a kid, I knew every box score of every game.  That’s no exaggeration. We all did.  What happened?

Last fall was an oddity because I, like a lot of sports fans, wanted to see if the Cubs could actually win a title or were they going to gut punch an entire city by failing, yet again? Well, the “Lovable Losers” won their World Series so now I don’t care about watching that storyline anymore either.

I have always had two baseball teams that I rooted for: The Cincinnati Reds and the Detroit Tigers.  Guess what?  They both suck.  I’m not sure that Cincinnati is ever again going to actually not suck.  I’m serious!  There seems to be very little interest in paying big money to free agents and it’s all pretty sad, really.  Then again, I don’t pay a whole lot of attention to it so if I’m wrong, who gives a shit?  It’s just baseball.  Who cares?  I’m quite certain that I couldn’t name a total of 10 players from both teams even if you paid me $5,000 to do it.  Pretty much pitiful.  I know.

I guess all I can do is wait for NFL training camp to start. That’s when I’ll start getting excited.  I know I’ll start sending out my Fantasy Football League emails, kicking off all of my leagues.  Then, the dominos start falling and I’ll start paying attention to college football, then a few months later, college basketball and finally the NBA.

The NBA? You didn’t think I’d forget, did you? Nope, I haven’t.

Fuck Paul George!

Let’s bring on the NFL!


Sweet Tennessee Musings

Posted: July 5, 2017 by cschrump in Uncategorized

by Chad Schrump / @Hoosier_Hoops

We’ve got quite a few things that we need to discuss. Since I’ve recently returned from vacationing in the beautiful hills of Tennessee, bear with me on my newfound accent as it may flow into my writing style.  Anyways, come on over, sit with me a spell and have yourself a sweet tea.  We’re fixin’ to be here a minute or two.

Let’s go.

It’s July 5th and we have no Earthly idea if Andrew Luck will be a go for training camp in a few, short weeks.  Hell, we don’t even know if he’s thrown a damn ball.  Isn’t that crazy?  After reading some of the multitude of injury experts’ opinions, 6 months was a comfortable timetable to recover from the shoulder surgery but that was really only the start!  It would be at least an additional 6 weeks of physical therapy before he could give it a go, or so they say.

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The real story here is that the Indianapolis Colts are secretive. They compete with the Patriots and their evil empire in one regard, and quite frankly, one regard only… in that they’re about as tight lipped an organization as you’ll find in the NFL and new GM Chris Ballard hasn’t deviated from the blueprint Hall-of-Fame GM Bill Polian laid out years ago:  You will know what we want you to know!

Let me tell you when you can expect to see #12 throwing a football to his wide receivers. When you see it! The Colts aren’t coming off of that information anytime soon.  The media, fans and the rest of the AFC South may as well come to grips with that and quickly.


Really Tiger? C’mon man.  It’s been barely a month since you got your DUI, when the cops found you only a smidgeon more conscious than a tomato can and higher than a Kareem Abdul-Jabbar ear piercing.  I’m to believe you’re straight now?  You’ve kicked pain medication?  Really?  Ain’t nobody got time to believe you’ve completed an “out of state, private, extensive program” that’s going to be worth a damn in just a few, short weeks.  You can’t just tackle sobriety like you’re practicing flop shots from a thin lie.

There’s very little doubt that this short stint in rehab is purely attorney/client driven – a tactic to lessen the severity of Woods’ DUI stop’s penalty. While as a long-time Tiger Woods’ fan-boy, I truly hope this is real but I’m not stupid and neither are you.  This reeks of “how do I make this go away as easily as possible.”

It stinks.

Five weeks ago, I asked, When Does the Fall Finally Stop? I’m afraid with no real help – we haven’t come close to seeing him reach bottom.

I hope like hell I’m wrong.


Paul George. Good Riddance.  I hope you enjoy Oklahoma City.  Don’t worry, we’ve already warned Thunder fans that as long as Russell Westbrook takes any and all last second shots, things should go swimmingly.  Otherwise, gag city.  These are just facts.  I’m not being petty this time.  However, I’ve seen mice with bigger sets of nads.  No one chokes on a last second shot more than PG13.

Now that Paul has left, it’s almost like the Pacers are in the midst of a good ol’ forest fire. Sometimes, in order to clean up her mess, Mother Nature allows for a fire that cleans all the dead timber and undergrowth that in the end, allows the forest to return nutrients into the soil which in turn, allows for a healthy ecosystem with sustainable growth.

The Pacers are doing that now. They’re cleaning out the dead trees and decaying plant matter.  Paul George?  Gone.  Jeff Teague?  Off to Minnesota.  C.J. Myles?  Adios.  It wouldn’t surprise me to see a minimum of eight new faces on next fall’s roster.

To put it simply, it’s time to embrace the suck! Let’s be real bad, real fast and see what happens.  This franchise hasn’t had a legitimate lottery pick in forever and a half.  Do I think Victor Oladipo is the answer?  Hell no.  I admit it, though – I love Vic.  Love his energy, athleticism, defense, everything.

Most sane Pacer fans aren’t expecting Vic to replace Paul’s numbers but maybe he’ll  be a pleasant surprise. A Lance Stephenson and Victor Oladipo backcourt sounds exciting.  Maybe they’ll lose a lot but at least they should play hard and entertain the fans.  Add a top 5 pick to the mix and how could it not get better?

I still would have liked to see Indiana take a run at Brownsburg’s Gordon Hayward.  Doubtful he’d head this way but at least offer him the moon.


If you want to know how bad of shape you’re in, head down to Tennessee and walk up and down their 9-zillion hills. You’ll find out quickly how you stack up.  Me?  I didn’t fare well.  I’m thinking about joining an “out-of-state, private, extensive” gym to try and get in shape.

Just like my favorite golfer, I should be fine in just a few, short weeks.

An Open Letter to PG13

Posted: June 20, 2017 by cschrump in Uncategorized

by Chad Schrump

Image result for paul george

This is going to sound bitter and I don’t want to sound that way.  No, it’s going to sound petty.  Probably somewhat bitter with a splash of petty.  I can live with that.  Here goes…

Dear Paul George,

You want to go home.  Fine.  I get it.  I do.  You’ve made your decision.  Good for you.  You’ll most likely be playing basketball, if not next year, then the following – in front of a whole gaggle of your hometown friends, 2nd cousins, former high school teammates, your sister’s best friend’s brother named Kevin or Kev for short and a whole lot of front running Hollywood megastars that couldn’t tell you the difference between a high ball screen and an eight ball that gets you high.  Fine.  Your call.  Your rules.

But why did you have to screw the Pacers over in the process?  Why did you have to screw an organization that now, will only get pennies on the dollar for your sure to happen fire sale.  Why did you have to shit on the city that supported you through everything?  Hell, I’m typing as fast as I can right now for fear that you’ll be traded before this column drops.  There’s very little doubt that you’ll be gone before Thursday’s NBA Draft.  Damn.  Seems surreal.

What I hate even more is that Paul stuck out his hand, extended his middle finger and told every Indiana Pacers fan to go suck a big, fat egg.  If the Pacers are ultra lucky, they get a decent veteran and a couple of 1st round picks that are probably somewhere in the 20-25th pick range.  If that!  Great.  That’ll certainly replace a player that has 1st Team All-NBA potential.  Awesome.  Thanks, PG.  Appreciate ya.

By dropping the bombshell that he will not re-sign with Indiana after his contract expires and that he prefers playing for his hometown Lakers, what Paul George has done is basically allowed L.A. to keep every asset it has and just wait it out.  They’ll be full strength when he joins.  I told you this was going to happen a month ago when Paul missed out on not being named 3rd Team All-NBA.  REMEMBER?  That was literally the Pacers only shot at keeping this guy.  I hate being right all the time.  I do.

There’s no question that the signs have been pointing to George heading back to Los Angeles for a couple of years now but with the way the NBA has handled free agency – essentially giving the home team a serious advantage in re-signing its stars, I honest to God thought Paul would stay.  I believed he was just flirting with the west coast – just California Dreaming, if you will.  I thought maybe, just maybe – Paul wanted to be this generation’s Reggie Miller.  Guess not.

Then again, Paul George has never been Reggie Miller.  (Strap in – this is where I start getting petty.  I’m okay with it and you should be, too.)  Tell me the last time Paul made a shot at the horn that tied the game or put the Pacers ahead.  I’ll wait…  That’s right, he doesn’t.  Some guys are Batman and some guys are Robin.  Some guys are Paul George.  At least Robin saved the day once in awhile.  When’s the last time Paul did?  Calling Paul George “Robin” is disrespectful to Batman’s favorite chum.

Paul gags more than a 9-month old trying peas for the first time.  With the game on the line, he looks more uncomfortable than Forrest Gump in a Spelling Bee.  Put the Pacers in the lead and Paul might score 40.  Need a clutch shot to save the season – uh, you all saw it… it didn’t draw iron.  Wasn’t close.

Maybe a guy develops into Batman while being rented out for one year before signing with Magic’s Lakers but I don’t see it with PG.  I just don’t.  He’s been here 7 years.  Hasn’t happened yet… unless you count the shot he made in his Gatorade commercial.

He made that one.


Just another guy that used to root for you

Father’s Day and the U.S. Open

Posted: June 18, 2017 by cschrump in Uncategorized

by Chad Schrump

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Happy Father’s Day to our Backdoor Slider readers – especially the dads that get it done, day in and day out, making sure their kids are loved and the things they need to have good, happy childhoods are provided. To hell with you loser dads… you’ll regret being a piece of shit when you’re up there in your old man years so get it fixed now and try to be somebody important to your damn kids.  If that pisses you off, quit reading.  I couldn’t care less.

Anyway, I hope you good dads get to spend some time with your kids, eat a little too much and maybe even play a round of golf. What a day.  One day a year that is almost all about… US!  What a world.

As is a tradition almost as beautiful as The Masters – The U.S. Open will complete its final round when most families are wrapping up their grilling and eating exploits, late this afternoon. Quite frankly, this has been a snooze fest of epic proportions – and yes, I know that Justin Thomas shot a 9-under, 63 yesterday.  It’s the greatest round, relative to par, in U.S. Open history.  So what, I say.  So what?  Yeah, It’s a helluva round, don’t get me wrong but like I said on yesterday’s Backdoor Slider podcast, this isn’t Bethpage Black, people.  This is Erin Hills.  Erin Hills with no wind! I know that 8 of the world’s top 12 missed the cut but I attribute that to major championship pressure.  This golf course isn’t that hard when the winds are down. There were at least three 65’s shot and Thomas’ 63.  You shoot a -9 on Pinehurst #2, Shinnecock Hills or Baltusrol – you’ve got my attention.  Erin Hills?  Meh.

In my book, Johnny Miller still has the most impressive round in U.S. Open history, when he fired a -8, 63 at Oakmont in 1973. Now that’s an incredible round of golf.  You know who agrees with me on that, more than anyone?  Yeah, Johnny Miller.  No doubt!

I know it makes me a shitty golf fan, but I can’t get into this as much without Tiger Woods. He has completely ruined the way I watch golf.  Actually, golf’s television producers ruined the way we all watch golf.  Seems like a lifetime ago but remember that Tiger would hit his drive and the cameras would watch the shot, see it land, gauge his reaction then cut away to try and get 90 seconds of action from the rest of the 120+ players in the field?  Then, he would finally get to his ball, the camera would be right back on him.  He’d begin talking to Fluff or Stevie, mentally dissect the upcoming shot, review the lie, take a club from his caddy, gauge the wind, take a few practice swings, and after about two minutes – finally hit the shot.  And you know what? I loved it!  We loved it! Heaven help you if Woods hit a super slice into the trees, which he did often… good Lord, the camera wouldn’t leave him for 10 minutes while he tried to prepare a shot that would launch through an opening no bigger than a mobile home’s bathroom and cut 50-yards back toward the green.  It was must-see-TV, almost every week.  Then, the camera would quickly jump back to Bruce Lietzke for 7 precious seconds, as he rammed home a 55 foot eagle putt.  You wouldn’t see his celebration because we had to watch Tiger walk the last remaining 40-yards before he got to the green.  Man, those were the days.

So, no Jason Day, Dustin Johnson and Rory McIlroy – all missed the cut. No Tiger Woods – sucks at being a human lately and has quite the affinity for prescription drugs.  You can recall all of that here.  And no Phil Mickelson – decided he wanted to be a good dad and watch his oldest daughter graduate high school.  Good for Phil.  I’ve read online about the abuse Mickelson has taken for this decision.  How absurd.  They say that Phil only has another five, maybe ten if he’s lucky, legitimate shots at winning that elusive U.S. Open and ultimately, the Career Grand Slam.  Guess what?  Phil has one shot at watching his daughter graduate high school.  One.  She’s not doing it twice.  This is a no-brainer and Phil did the right thing.  Good job, Phil.  There’s no doubt that we miss watching you try to attack this golf course and most likely, failing at obscene level – but good on ya.  Your daughter won’t ever forget what you did to be with her.  Pure class.

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Once again, here’s to the fathers that do it the right way. I hope you have an outstanding day. Devour an extra hot dog.  Throw down another scoop of baked beans.  Have another piece of pie.  Whatever it takes.  Hopefully, the U.S. Open delivers for us and we’ll get to watch some incredible action.

Maybe you’ll even get a nap in today and hopefully – it won’t be from the golf.

The Finals Prediction Is In!

Posted: June 1, 2017 by cschrump in Uncategorized

by Chad Schrump / @Hoosier_Hoops

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Wake up!  It’s time.  Don’t hit the snooze button!  In case you’ve forgotten, the NBA Finals start tonight.  Finally.  What an absolutely ridiculous delay between the respective Conference Finals and the championship round.  Can you believe that almost a week and a half has passed since Golden State battered and swept the Spurs and a week since Cleveland punked the Celtics in 5?  Can you?  It’s crazy.

Here’s the good news though – The Finals are going to be off-the-charts nasty.  It’s going to be a show on a whole, ‘nother level.  LeBron, KD, Steph, Draymond, Kyrie, KLove and Klay.  Whoa!  There’s no chance I could have waited any longer for this series to start.  Just one more day and I might implode.  But here’s the thing – after about the first 5 minutes of Game One, you’ll have forgotten how long you had to wait to get here.

Golden State has been stewing in a broth of hatred and revenge for 12 months after Cleveland’s favorite son, LeBron James, lead the Cavs back from a 3-1 Finals deficit to deliver Northeast Ohio’s first professional championship in what seemed like 350 years.

So, how upset were the Warriors over their colossal meltdown?  Well, they added the 2nd best basketball player on planet Earth to their mix.  Kevin Durant is the piece that obviously didn’t exist during last year’s championship series and he’s the reason that most experts believe Golden State is the pick to win their 2nd title in the last 3 years.

Here’s the thing though:  It’s not sexy but I promise you that the key to this series for Golden State is Draymond Green.  Like I said a few weeks ago, when Green plays really well, the Warriors are almost unbeatable.  And I believe that.  KD and Steph are gonna get theirs’, and Cleveland knows it – so it’s the Cavs not letting Green control the game and ultimately the series, that will tell this tale.

However, I’m not sold just yet that they’ll walk right through the Cavaliers.  LeBron James is the best player in the world and the gap between him and #2 isn’t close.  I truly think he’s playing better, more consistently, than ever.  Think about that for a second.  LBJ has played some incredible basketball over the years but what he’s doing now is outer worldly.  It’s mystifying.

I mean, LeBron’s trying to win the 6th grade talent show by conducting the London Philharmonic while his competition is trying to juggle three oranges.  He’s flying a spaceship while the rest of the Eastern Conference is praying their biplane doesn’t fall from the sky.  He’s a wrecking ball swinging through single-ply toilet paper.

Thus far, it hasn’t been a fair fight.

So, unlike a majority of the experts, I think this series plays itself out for quite awhile.  It makes a ton of sense to pick the team that has legitimately four of the best 10-12 players in the world in their starting lineup.  There’s a very real possibility that the Warriors have the three best shooters in the league.  I mean, that’s almost laugh out loud funny.  They’ve already won a World Championship and now they added KD?  To that team?  Damn.

But I’m picking LeBron.  In Six.

It’s time.  Wake up!

When Does the Fall Finally Stop?

Posted: May 30, 2017 by cschrump in Uncategorized

by Chad Schrump / @Hoosier_Hoops

I was home, sitting in my recliner late last Wednesday night and as I’m prone to do, checked the ol’ Twitter machine. There, I found an update on Tiger Woods.  That interested me greatly because even through his craziness, and my God, has there ever been anyone with more craziness …he was still one of my favorite athletes of all-time.  “What’s up with Eldrick,” I wondered?

Tiger said he felt as good as he’s felt in a long time and couldn’t wait to compete again. I kinda shook my head and wrote a quick email to myself that said simply, “TW – Write.” I’d been wanting to write something over the weekend and thought that Tiger Woods would be as good of a story as I could think of even though he’d kind of gone off the radar for a spell while recovering from yet another back surgery.  My reminder, so I wouldn’t forget about writing about Tiger Woods, was sent.

After this past weekend, that reminder email to wax poetic about Woods was a complete waste of time as all hell completely broke loose in Tiger World. Woods instantly became story 1A, 1B, and 1C.  A DUI in Jupiter, Florida.  Are you shitting me?  You’ve seen the mug shot.  Jesus, we’ve all seen the mug shot. Damn! It should be captioned with, “Life comes at you fast!”  That’s literally one of the worst pictures I’ve ever seen.  Ever.  His eye lids look like they’re tied down with regulation size bowling balls.  A national punchline – no, oh no – a worldwide punchline staring blankly at a police camera for all of the world to take in.

What the heck, Tiger? Did the police give that wispy hair a noogie on the way to your booking?  You look like a southern Indiana meth head.  What’s happened to you?  Other than Michael Jordan, I have never seen a prouder athlete.  You were above it all.  Now this?

Last Wednesday, Tiger said he felt really good and wanted to think about competing again. Well, after Sunday night’s escapades, no wonder!  That dude’s been feeling good because apparently, he’s been getting higher than a kite.  Hard to feel back pain when you aren’t sure what planet you’re currently inhabiting.

Tiger came out yesterday in an attempt at damage control saying, “I want the public to know that alcohol was not involved. What happened was an unexpected reaction to prescribed medications. I didn’t realize the mix of medications had affected me so strongly.”

Uh, okay. This man is mixing medications, now?!  This guy is taking so many prescription pain killers that Monday morning, he looked like he was dredged up from a lagoon! He’s so high on painkillers that he can’t drive his own damn car without the cops stopping him?  Wow.

This is turning into such a sad, sad story. Tiger Woods was once one of the most iconic figures in the history of sports;  one of the rare athletes that could transcend across all lines – color, religion, economic, gender, etc.  He was appointment television.  He blistered golf balls almost as much as he blistered television ratings.  He collected major golf championships the way children collect seashells on a beach vacation.  How long ago was that, anyway?

We’re all aware of Tiger’s marital transgressions. There’s not been one major championship won since the affairs were exposed for the world to see but even then, a busted marriage happens, right?  Even the world’s best and brightest sometimes fail at marriage.  But this?

It pains me to say but it is apparent that Eldrick Tiger Woods, one of the greatest athletes I’ve ever seen, needs some help.

And for the first time in a very long time, I’m not talking about his golf game.